Summer is killing me

Summer 2011 is finally here and what am I doing?
Crying. Panicking. Studying. Eating too much.
Doing everything.

Today was the last day in school and now I feel empty. School building was the place I never wanted to enter but there was no choice. So I went in after six hours or so walked out and came back home. I did this for 190 days. That's a lot actually.

So my second year in high school is done. Good job girl.
I went for a walk. After 2 km I started to cry (thank God I was wearing my sunglasses..) and the reason is... Fuck it - I don't know. It might have been because I thought of one boy whose life hasn't been too great (but i never feel compassion) and i realized that this summer i'm going to cry more than once. The day in the future is scearing bejesus out of me and I still don't know how I'm going to deal with it. It's going to be filled with tears and agony - it sounded so bad that I even started to plan how I would kill myself if the day is going to be like the one I have imagined.

Too happy for too long. Sorrow is the one who remains.

I came home and tried to sleep. I slept. I woke up. I ate. I ate. I ate.
My friend invited me to her place and I was freaking out. As usually.
Things pissed me off - things that were totally normal and there was nothing to be mad about.

Why do I feel bad even though there's no reason? Just asking.

Summer is here - what am I going to do?
I thought of disappearing. Somehow I feel like I should leave everything and start a new life somewhere else. But this plan was already planned to be impossible. Doesn't work. Shit.

I grapped a pen and made a list what I SHOULD do in ten weeks.
And how should I survive. I wait for the future and never enjoy the day being. My philosophy sucks.

SUMMER '11

1. read read read read.
Despite the fact that I actually should be reading school books.... I want to read fiction. I want to read all the Harry Potters. The Anne of Green Gables. Twilight. All those stupid books that everybody hates.
Please.. Let's just forget about the biology, politics, law and english.. please?

2. do sports
Yep. Get skinny, move your ass. Do something! Ride your bike, run and chase butterflies, swim like there's a shark behind you... Enjoy the weather! And burn calories. Be pretty.

3 .watch movies
You don't need friends when watching a movie. Movies can be good. They can make you feel happy. It's another world and everybody is happy. Plus - a friend of mine is working at a film renting place so I could visit her and rent a movie = everything would be happy. The Lord of the Rings and Legolas, I'm waiting for you!

4. stay alive
This might sound ridiculous but... The plan is that I'm not going to kill myself. I have to hang in there! There are tons of things I still have to do before I die. And Australia is a must. (why don't i have enough money to study there? just asking.)

5. believe in yourself
I wont fail my final exams. I wont. Everything is going to be alright. Teachers do not hate me. I do not hate them. And after graduation - the whole world is mine. Stockholm, Berlin, Glasgow, Brisbane, San Fransisco, Vancouver... I'll be there one day!

6. be nice
The mean bitch is going to die. From tomorrow I'll be nice to everyone. My mom is going to be awesome, there's nothing better than my friends and even the old man living next to us is going to love me. I'm going to be a person who loves everyone and is happy and etc. etc. (this plan is so doomed...)

7. get new friends
Don't know how but try to do it. Friends are usually cool.

8. take a picture every day
This is a challenge I've always wanted to go through. See your life in pictures? Yes please. This is kind o a thing i REALLY want to do. 

9. fall in love with yourself and forget boys
The pope is able to live without a wife so it shouldn't be too hard for me to forget all those assholes in my life (okey - they all have been nice) and enjoy the life that I'M living. I should read EatPreyLove. I bought it 5 months ago and have it in Finnish as in German but I've never had had time to read it. That's sad!

10. write diary
I think this might be important. Don't know why though...